


Connected

by Everyone-is-gay-and-broken (SherlockIsaGirlsName2898)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:41:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898/pseuds/Everyone-is-gay-and-broken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil live in a world where everyone has someone whom they are connected to, someone who could be anywhere in the world and the only connection there is are emotions. Double the emotions, double the happiness or double the heartbreak. Your other half, the one person you can not lie to, your one Connected. </p><p>Dan is a depressed 21-year old trying-to-be writer making a living on jobs here and there, living on his obession with love. </p><p>Phil is a happy-go-lucky librarian sailing through life without a care in the world, trying his best to find his Connected who always seems sad. Both are connected to each other. Both are determined to finding their connected. What happens when the two worlds collide?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Each one in the world I'm about to tell you about has a Connected. It's a strange experience having these extra emotions added to your own at the back of your brain, double the struggle but also double the happiness. Some people ignore the feelings completely and concentrate on their own lives, while others get obsessed with that one person who knows how you're feeling, at all times. It's like your life is intensified, or extremely contrasted. Sometimes you'll feel just joy in your life but there is still that weight in your mind if your Connected is feeling sad. You can decide to take on that responsibility or just ignore it because the struggle is just too much.

People go through their whole lives never finding their one Connected, other people will meet them in the street and walk by, thinking they're just another random person they would probably not get along with. Connected people may never meet, Connected people may never talk or find the person who has occupied that part of your mind at the back where no one usually looks. But then again Connected people may meet, and it's like finding the person you've been meant to be with since the beginning. Soulmate is a strong word but the feeling is the same, matching emotions to a face you might've never met if you didn't go in that shop on that day. Not a lot of Connected people meet, destiny is too strong and maybe that's best for everyone, would you like to find a person who's known how you've felt your whole life and how conflicted a person you are?

 

Dan Howell was lucky in his life, at least in the Connected he ended up with he had been. At the back of his brain was a very happy person, maybe that unknown person was still the reason he was alive but that's a story for another time. There were bad moments in his life, extremely depressing and upsetting moments but there in the back of his mind were emotions that weren't his but that he could still feel and that touched him to the core of his being, reminding him of the good in the world, and that's what he held on to.  
Dan, living alone, gets a lot of time to work on his book he started half a year ago. It's a dream, and all though success seems unachievable, he still comes back each night at 11pm after working at small jobs and not very well paid one to get enough money to live, and still writes a bit when he's home, sometimes until the early lights of dawn when all you can hear are the crickets and your heavy breaths while trying not to fall asleep.

Phil Lester never complained once about his depressed Connected whom he just wishes he could find. It was terrible sometimes, having those emotions at the back reminding him how not everyone was happy like him. So for the sake of the guy living god knows where, he stood happy and proud in his life, and managed well. He lived alone in a flat in the borders of Manchester, living as a librarian. Phil never understood how sad and upset his Connected was most of the time, even though it seemed to get better year after year. He went on in life walking down the streets and observing everyone, trying to find that person, not knowing if they were a girl, a guy or someone else. He was well aware of how rare it is to meet your Connected, even rarer to find out they are your Connected. But for some reason everyday he still went down the streets happy and hoping desperately to find that person. One time it was really bad, Phil's dog had just died and the emotions of his Connected were worse than usual, sending into a deep sadness, all the feelings of sadness and confusion weighing him down. 

The two were never destined to meet but as always, destiny is a stupid word anyway and it has nothing to say, that's why on a summer's evening, warm breeze blowing and insects buzzing here and there, the two boys happened to meet in a random supermarket on a random street in a random city on a random planet somewhere lost in the infinite universe. No, destiny has no say in this.


	2. Some Day

Dan's POV

 

Living life everyday while someone else inside your head is living a totally different one and sharing their emotions with you doesn't sound as tiring and straining as it is. Especially when that person happens to be the happiest and positive person in the world. I guess in that sense I've been lucky, everyday walking down that same old street passing the same people looking down at the pavement because the grey sky seems too depressing to look at, trying my best not to let the feelings inside me get the best of me while my Connected seems to always have the best day of their lives.

Each day gets a little too much, that continuous never-ending routine, broken by nothing else than the insomniac nights and a particularly strong emotion form my Connected leaving me with a burning jealousy. Everyday I've woken up while having wished otherwise on my bad days, and still they've woken up in such a positive and hopeful mood, and I just sit there for a bit basking in those emotions that aren't even mine. It's sad to think that some person that could be anywhere in the world doing anything, of any gender has been keeping me alive all those years, by feelings that I wished were mine. On my bad days they were there, always even if they didn't know it keeping me alive, knowing that at least someone in the world is happy, so I’ll just relish in those feelings, disconnecting myself for a bit, relishing in those emotions wishing their lives was mine.  
I don't know anything about my Connected, but they've gone through a lot of emotions through the years. But never, not once has the mysterious person been in love, or maybe I just don't know how that feels but I’m pretty sure I could recognize it. 

I don't know if you could say I'm depressed, some days I feel like I am but then again some days the world seems like an endless stream of possibilities. I walk out of my small studio I bought with my own money when home got to grey and everyday the neighbourhood seems to change, sometimes everything will make me angry at how depressing it seems, then the next it will all seem so beautiful and new. 

Today is a good day, I can feel it in the air, in the way people for once look up at the sky, in the way my own feet bring me to the local store of a random street in Manchester for once not dragging behind slowly. It seems like forever since I moved here when in fact it's only been 2 years, 2 years of these small not very well payed jobs while I try my best to work on my writing. 2 years ago it was just this stupid dream that I decided to undertake because at the time, it seemed like a good idea and being home with my family after dropping out of university was getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong I love them but I was getting tired of being treated like a child while my mother shouted at me to tidy my room. 

So that's what my life is for now, everyday I work in the mornings from half past 7 until 12 at the local stores and after my rather short lunch break I work at the delivery house just around the corner, delivering products door by door until 7pm. Needless to say at the end of the day I come home my back aching and feeling extremely tense, but still I sit at my desk on my laptop, my headphones on with my playlist called “Writing” on and working sometimes until the early light of dawn on this book that some days seems to go nowhere. 

Today though I don't think about all that because for once it's a good day and I need to make the best of it as I walk determined straight to the store and enter from the door where the word “staff” is written in fading letters. The owner of the small shop is already moving around in the back-room and I shout a “hello”, only receiving a grumbling sound as the small, fox-like man came out holding a few boxes that look quite a bit ready. 

“Would you help me with these, Dan? They're the new Christmas decorations we finally received them. Put them on that empty shelf over there while I open up.” 

I smile kindly at Mr Marly who rolls his eyes. He may not seem like a nice man when you first see him but after working with him for a year and a half I know that deep inside he's gentle and works hard to keep the place open which he cares very deeply about. 

I take the boxes from him and he shouts me a grateful look before heading over to open the shop. It may not seem like it but quite a few people come in this small store, it may not be the biggest one in town, what with only having me as a cashier, but I guess to some people, coming in here everyday to get their groceries with only familiar faces makes them feel more at home. I try my best to make the decorations and wrapping paper look presentable on the shelf Mr. Marly pointed me to, then head to my spinning chair behind the counter and drop the bag I bring everyday where my snacks are next to my feet. 

Not long after the shop has opened up we get our first regular, an old woman who's been coming here everyday even before I started working here with her round glasses and brown leather purse. Soon after she disappears between the aisles she reappears with her carton of milk and a few spices she's probably going to need for a meal she's cooking for her grandchildren later on. I've never seen them around but maybe that's because I don't go out a lot except for work.

“Hello Mrs Lester!” I say cheerfully to her as I pass her items on the counter. She doesn't answer but just smiles sweetly right at me and that's enough to make me happy, I love old people. 

As she leaves I lean my hands in my head and let my mind take over, listening for something from my Connected. To my greatest surprise, I feel stress coming from my Connected and frown at the unusual feeling. It's not that they've never been stressed but not usually this early in the morning. Well I say that but maybe for them it's the evening or even night, not knowing where they live. I do my best to calm myself, letting a feeling of pure relaxation take over, hoping that the feeling will transfer to them. I try my best whenever they're not feeling positive to help them even if that's not often, because for all they've done for me I feel like I need to do my part as best as I can. 

Just when I feel sleep coming over me the bell suddenly rings and I look up confused, because usually at this time no one comes in until at least 8am. And when I see who's coming through the door my eyes instantly widen and I sit up straight at the man looking around like he's looking for something. He's looks absolutely stunning, there are no other words. Maybe it's the way his teeth are biting softly on his bottom lip, or maybe it's the way his eyes dart everywhere in a colour I can see are blue even from where I’m standing. Maybe it's just the aura he has, happiness and a warmth coming from him. He walks towards me and I start spinning slowly on my chair in anxiousness before coming to face him again just as he stops in front of the counter. I feel my Connected calm down and smile knowing maybe I helped with that while the man in front of me smiles at me. 

“Hi, do you have any like... box of chocolates in here? Early Christmas present” He says in a happy voice. I can't help but love the way his lips move and want to stare at him all day, because the truth is I love watching beautiful people, not to sound creepy.

Instead I decide against looking like a weirdo and cough slightly, excusing my moment of blank expression. 

“Yeah of course, um look in the biscuit aisle, right over there” I say, managing not to trip on my words too much while pointing to the right aisle. 

As he thanks me with a grin and walks off, I nearly swoon when his eyes dart away from mine. I can't help being like this, I dream of love nearly everyday, invent stupid scenarios and worst of all develop crushes on the most random of people. I sigh and sit right back in my chair, not able to keep the man's face out of my mind and I just want to see him again so all I have of him isn't just an picture in my imagination. I'm pretty sure a new character is going to make an appearance in my “book” tonight with blue eyes and comfort surrounding him. Before I can try to guess what his name his, the guy comes back with a box of chocolates and wrapping paper and hands them to me again with that smile on his lips. I scan the items while avoiding his eyes that I can feel on me.

“So, this shop is nice. Do you get a lot of customers?” I look up strangely at him, it's not often a beautiful man strikes up a conversation with a random cashier, I guess he's just that type of person.

“We get our regulars and then we get people like you from time to time. Not that you're common or anything, or that you're weird, I mean...” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose “I mean no. No, we don't get a lot of people here” 

He just laughs at my awkward moment and I roll my eyes, handing him his items. 

“Right, well maybe I’ll see you around I’ll be here for a while I’m visiting my grandma. I'm Phil by the way, Phil Lester.” My eyes widen in realization. Of course, he's the famous grandchild of one of our regulars. 

“Lester! Your grandma comes here every morning, tell her she's our most valued customer! I'm Dan Howell.” 

He chuckles at my rushed words and nods his head in agreement, promising to tell her, and way too soon Phil leaves and the bell rings once more. 

As I lean my head in my head again a strong feeling of happiness comes from my Connected and for once, I share the feeling and I guess we both look like grinning messes, wherever that person who saved my life may be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOUHOU hi so hello yo! :D How are you guys doing? I am sO overexcited I've been listening to For Him by Troye all day on repeat it puts me in this weird mood wow. Okay anyway how did you like this? Thoughts on Dan's fast crush? Don't worry this isn't gonna be fast story where they fall in love at first sight ew. Comment and next chapter is gonna be very soon... Love you all I mean I think except if you're unlovable.


	3. Crush Alert

Dan's POV

I walk into the coffee shop down the street just on the right from where I work, the small silver bell ringing as I open the door, and step through making sure to wipe my feet on the welcome mat in front of the door. I'm instantly greeted by a surrounding warmth and homely feeling, shivering from the cold of the winter breeze still sticking to my cheeks.

I spot my friend almost instantly, you can hardly miss him with his black clothes (not that I can talk) and walk up to him, leaving the feelings of my Connected at the back of my head, sensing that he's happy anyway, as he always is. Sometimes I wonder if the person isn't a toddler or a baby, but I shake the thought out, this person clearly doesn't throw tantrums.

When my friend, Adam finally notices me arriving he stands up and grins, hugging me as soon as I stand in front of him. I smile and when he finally lets me go I sit down and he does the same too, the red, plastic covered but comfortable cushions squeaking under us when we sit.

"So what's up?" He says, sipping what appears to look like a latte.

"Wait... Oh my god your beard is getting so ginger!" I say laughing ignoring his question, and he rolls his eyes at me, sticking his tongue out. He's trying to grow a beard and something we noticed maybe two weeks ago is that while his hair is black his beard actually turned ginger.

"Yes well... I'll look cool. Anything interesting happen today at work?"

"Actually it did!" I say excitedly "so I was working you know, well more like staring in the distance when this guy walks in." Just as I say this, Adam sighs because he knows exactly what is going to come next. "And he was probably the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen... You should've seen him, blue eyes, black hair, he looks like someone out of an anime."

"Let me guess, you're completely crushing on him?" He says not the least surprised by my story. "Dan you always do this! You have a crush on probably the entire staff of this coffee shop." I pour at him, knowing that that's not true.

He's right though, I'm obsessed with love, obsessed with being in love and everytime someone talks to me that I like or stares at me I get this obsession that I'm going to fall in love and have a fairytale like I've read about in all of my books.

"Dan don't do this to yourself. Who is this guy anyway?"

"He's Mrs Lester's grandson. I'd guess that he's staying over for the winter holidays. His name's Phil."

"Ah I see. Well not to bust your mood or anything but chances are you won't see him again for a while. Who knows where he lives? And Dan you know as much as I do that this thing that you do is not good for you."

I sigh and take a sip out of his latte while he just follows my hand. Because he's right, these people, these near strangers have always turned out to like somebody else and once again my heart is ripped out of my chest, once again I feel like I'm not good enough, and once again I feel like I'll never be number one in anyone's heart. Because why would I be? I can't even approach someone I like without my anxiety kicking in, without my self-esteem dropping to the floor.

But maybe this time it'll be different. Just as the thought crosses my mind, Adam's eyes widen.

"Hey, that looks like your anime boy." He says, looking at someone behind me and even though I do best to be discreet my heart speeds up when I turn and see Phil at the counter ordering something I can't hear from here.

"It is!" I say in an almost whisper for some reason and I have no idea how to react to this information.

He walks towards us and I prey to every god I don't believe in that he recognizes me.

"Hey! Dan right?" a voice says from next to me and I turn my head knowing fully that it's him.

"That's me!" I say, mobilizing every cell in my body to act cool. I move over and he sits next to me.

"Your last name is Howell yeah? Did you know that the term latte was first used by a guy called William Dean Howells in 1867!" He says looking at me and playing with his, I suppose now, latte.

I smile widely at him, not knowing quite how to respond to a fun fact about latte.

"Hey listen Dan I've got this party going on tomorrow night, just me you and two other friends, don't worry not too many people, you up for it?" I consider it for a moment and although I'd like to say that I can't I know I have to and I need to. Besides, two people can't do me much harm can they? Adam knows how jumpy and horrid I am at social situations, and he wouldn't invite me unless he knew that I'd be okay.

"Yeah sure." Suddenly, I get bold and turn to Phil who's patiently watching us while drinking his latte and smiling nicely. "Hey Phil, do you want to come?"

"Well as long as you're there I can't see how I wouldn't enjoy myself!" he says and I grin, checking with Adam who just gives me a nod and a slight eye roll, knowing full well how much worry is hidden behind his eyes, worry that I'll get disappointed again, worry that it'll just be too much if I get too deep, worry that I'll go to a dark place again like I've done so many times before. I know it's pathetic, I know it's wrong but I can't live alone, I'm so terrible at being lonely and although the frustration of always being second best is getting to be too much, I still can't help but feel like maybe, just maybe this is something different when I look at the man sitting next to me.

I close my eyes for a second and let the emotions of my Connected wash over me for a second, feeling only pure happiness and a little excitement coming from them. I wonder where they are, I wonder what they're doing and most of all everyday I wonder if they've unlike me, found love, a concept I really can't get a grip on. Some day. Some day I will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hi there *sigh* I'm sorry about this shit this is just so fucking not good and rushed, I'm sorry about me being like... me I'm just not having the best day (month) and this update sucks I'm just uuuggh. 2016 is fucking messed up y'all.
> 
> I'm okay. You guys, tell me what you thought of this chapter?
> 
> Charlotte xxx
> 
> Stay Golden


	4. 4 - This Is Us

Phil's POV

 

I get to my grandma's house in less than 10 minutes, one of the beauties of being in a town where everywhere you go is ten minutes away by foot. Another beauty is that I get to share my stupid but maybe some day necessary facts to everyone is the town. I don't know when a fact about latte might come in handy but you never know. Maybe in a distant future, where lattes will have become the rarest drink on the planet. You're doing it again Phil. I tend to get on long tangents from my actual thought, I do that a lot. When I get home from the small but cosy coffee shop, I'm not even surprised that the door is bolted shut. My grandma is the sort of person who gets scared of burglars in a town where there are more rabbits than people.

I take out my keys, my hands shaking from the biting cold and I try to get the small object in the already frosted over lock. As I try to force I in, I notice every person that walks by me, a habit of mine I probably should lose. It's not healthy to stare at every stranger passing by me but every day I hope (desperately may I add), every day I think that maybe a stranger walking by might be the person who's shared my mind for my entire life. It's always been like a duty for me, some sort of a mission. I hate the never-ending sadness in my Connected's mind, so much that it's become a sort of obsession of mine. Every morning waking up it's like an overwhelming stress, not knowing which state of mind that stranger is going to be in, but for his sake I try to be happy, not that that's overly hard since I have no particular reason to be sad. Every day I tell myself it's hopeless to even look for them but since nearly every day my Connected seems to be as sad as the day before.

I've noticed a change in my Connected's pattern since I could remember going on this "mission". When I wake up, they are either feeling completely numb or actually happy, today was one of them putting me in an instant good mood. Then throughout the day I notice how much their mood changes, from emptiness to frustration to full on anger. Anger towards who, or what, I don't know, and at this rate I have a feeling I never will. Then when I go to bed I notice how dark and sad their feelings get. It keeps me up sometimes, and it goes on forever, the sadness never melts, and it leads me to believe that maybe their nights are the same as mine. For some reason sadness only seems to grow during night-time. I remember one night, the sadness and overwhelming emotion of the person that could be across the globe from me actually woke me up. I remember waking up with a start, and feeling so cold, like their emotions were so overpowering they actually took control of my own and everything felt so different. Suddenly the warmth of my bed and the feeling of being at home disappeared to be replaced with overwhelming desperation.

I never forgot that night and once in a while I get scared when I go to sleep that it'll happen again but this time I won't feel nothing at all. Sometimes I get scared more for their life than my own.

I finally manage to unlock the door and push it open, the wooden frame scraping against the floor making a horrible screeching noise. I really need to fix that.

"Grandma!" I shout as loud as possible in the gigantic house that is my grandma's home. She's half deaf and I like shouting anyway, it makes me feel free, as if emotions were literally pouring out of me. Before I can shout again, I hear an outrageous thunder of footsteps coming from the old wooden stairs. For a moment I feel confused, because as much as I respect my grandmother, I have a feeling she isn't really capable of thundering down those stairs without losing a body part.

The confusion clears as the familiar face of my brother comes into focus. He shoulders me as soon as he finishes his stumble with a big grin on his face.

"What's up bro!" I groan and I start towards the kitchen, looking for something to eat, even though I know I'll probably only find 20 tins of the same biscuits.

"Well, bro, as usual absolutely nothing." I say, opening the fridge and looking inside, disappointed when I see nothing that looks remotely mouth-watering. Martyn leans against the fridge and I fall down on one of the old chairs. Everything in this house looks old, like it's still stuck in an old polaroid and it's not ever going to live in the real world.

"Hello boys!" My grandmother exclaims softly as she enters the room. Everytime I see her it makes me want to hug her, she's just so small and smells like home.

"Hi grandma! How was your day?" She rolls her eyes at me and as old as she may be, I know just hos much sass she still has in her.

"Uneventful. What about you dear?"

"Yeah same really..." I suddenly remember the purpose to my visit to the small convenience store around the corner. For a moment, I think about the cashier, Dan his name is. I can't help but smile at how fascinating he seems to be and I smile even wider at his invitation to the party. Making new friends is probably the most fun thing to do for me. And Dan definitely sounds like someone who I want to be friends with. He's so mesmerizing. I snap out of it as I realize how crazy I must look with a giant smile on my face just zoning out. I come back to reality and sprint back to the hall where I put down the box of chocolates, earning confused glances both from my brother and my grandma, and pick up the present which I bought to say thank you for letting me stay here while builders are renovating the entire building in which my apartment happens to be in. Also it happens to be one of my favourite chocolate.

**

"You don't talk about your Connected much." I say absent-mindedly while I fiddle with the button on the remote control, trying to make it work and hitting it on my bed where I'm sat and sprawled next to me is Martyn.

"Well, what is their to say?" he says, and I can hear that he isn't very invested in this conversation either.

"I don't know, you must know what sort of person they are by now." I finally manage to make the remote work and switch the small TV in the guest room on.

"Well... you know what, there is something. They have a lot of sex." I laugh out loud at this and turn out as Martyn props himself on his elbows. "It feels weird, like every happy emotion comes together. And they suddenly feel so... in love." His expression looks like he's completely far away from here. I cough awkwardly and that brings him back successfully.

When I think about it, nothing that intense has ever come over my Connected. Maybe they're very young? No, a 7 year old can't feel so sad all the time with intense mood swings like mine has. I don't linger on the subject and shake the doubts away, my Connected is just fine.

I reach out towards the part of my brain where my other half lives and I smile. I remember this morning how stressed I had been feeling with how little time I had to find a gift for grandma Lester. And how suddenly I felt warmth and calm take over from my Connected's side, knowing instantly that they were trying to reassure me. I feel so many emotion towards the person that shares my life and I have a feeling like we sort of keep ourselves alive. Connected isn't just a title, because we truly are connected, we have a bond and nothing can break that.

We keep each other sane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey alllll!! I updated! Yes I know it's like 1 week late...... I'm not very good at this keeping promises am I? Oh well. Just a chapter for a look in our very own cinnamon roll's life. Did ya like it? Let me know! ^-^
> 
> Thoughts on Phil's obsession with finding his Connected?
> 
> Do you like the connected aspect?
> 
> Bye bye *hand hearts*
> 
> Stay Alive <3


	5. Sweet Misery

Dan's POV

 

-the next day-

 

My hand slips out from underneath my chin and my head nearly crashes onto the shop counter, but not before I wake up suddenly from my daydreams. It's the third time this has happened and I know by now that I have to do something to keep myself awake before I really let my head fall on the counter and go into a deep coma. Not that that sounds like a bad idea right now. I wish the horrid thought out of my head and get up abruptly, rubbing my temples and walk over to the storage room, looking for a distraction, anything to stop the throbbing ache in my head. All I do is end up sitting down on the dusty chair in the cramped room, not standing my brain thumping against my skull. Today was already bad without having this headache bringing me even farther down. Today feels gray and empty. I wish I didn't feel anything instead of all these emotions piling up inside me, as well as my Connected's irritating happiness. Usually they help me calm down with their constant happy mood but not today. Today is one of those days when anyone and everything is frustrating to the point where all I want to do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, praying for something to exterminate my bones.

Pull yourself together. A voice in my head says and I honestly want to destroy my brain for even providing me with such useless thoughts. Honestly this isn't a fricking Katy Perry song where you say a really helpful sentence in a determined voice and suddenly everything is ok. No it doesn't work like that. I stand up again and pace around again for a good 10 minutes, feeling like I might explode. I want to scream, I want to lash out and punch something, I need to, everything is messed up in my brain and I need to make sense of it, and I want to get better, I have to get this sorted out and I know it. I need to tell someone about this, someone other than Adam, someone who can help me. Adam did try, he tried calling a doctor for me but as soon as he did, I snatched it from him and threw it against the wall. I cringe at the memory as I remember the fear in Adam's eyes. I shake my head vigorously, trying to get the flashback out of my head.

Just as I'm about to completely drown in whatever it is I'm feeling, the bell rings and I know a customer came in. I try not to cry in frustration and calm the throb in my head but nothing works. So I swallow back the upset tears of physical pain, knowing full well that my eyes are red with unshed tears and my throat is tight beyond belief.

I almost let out a sob when I see who came in through the door. Of course it had to be perfect Philly with his perfect hair and perfect everything.

I pull myself together as much as I can and walk towards the counter and sit down, holding my head in my hands as long as I can without letting the perfect man notice. When I hear the footsteps coming towards me I pull back my head and ignore the burning in my eyes caused by me holding back my tears. I look the other way, doing my best to hide my face.

"Heya Dan!" Phil says in his slight northern accent. This time I have to turn towards him. When I do and our eyes meet I almost want him to come over and hug me because even though I'm irritated at everyone, I'm also so exhausted and could do with a nice warm hug.

"Hey Phil" I say weakly and I can see him frown slightly, an expression which has really nothing to do on that face.

"Are you ok?" Of course he would ask that, without even hesitating.

"I'm fine" I say, smiling at him and wiping my left eye, nearly feeling the tear roll down.

Stop it! I yell at myself, for being so pathetic. I look back up at him and I can see how unsure he is, like he's dealing with an interior battle. Before he can say anything really inspiring or tell me it's going to be ok, I say :

"Did you come here for more details on tonight? Sorry we left yesterday without even giving you the faintest clue on where to go!" I laugh slightly, trying my hardest to make it sound convincing.

"Um yeah... I realized just now that I really don't want to be stranded anywhere!" He laughs too and I can feel that he's doing his best to respect my wish of not talking.

I smile sweetly at him and write down Adam's address on a piece of paper, handing it to him.

"Thanks!" he says in a cheerfulness that honestly makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. "And by the way, if you need a hug, or anyone to talk to, tonight or whenever, don't even hesitate for a second. And get some sleep you look terrible!"

I laugh honestly at his words this time.

"Gee thanks!" I say sarcastically, actually meaning it.

"Bye Danny!" He calls to me behind his shoulder while walking away and I sigh, glad that's over but also sort of dying on the inside. I can talk to him. Whenever I want to. Although right now that seems sort of wrong, I smile contentedly, pushing back my horrid thoughts at the very back of my head, knowing full well that this internalization will come crashing down on me later.

 

-The party-

 

"Adaaaaam..." I groan slowly from the sofa, sounding like I'm agonizing from all the nothing I'm doing.

"I will remove your organs with acid" Adam yells from the kitchen, who's preparing snacks for the people coming.

"But Adaaaaam it's important!"

"Dan you said that like 3 minutes ago and you just wanted to tell me how annoying it is that you can't fit in the cupboard." Adam says, walking into the living room, balancing three different bowls of crisps in his hands.

"In my defense, it is. I mean look at the size of it. There's only one leg that won't fit it's sooo annoying."

"I think you can live with that" Adam replies, rolling his eyes in desperation. To be fair I've been like this for the past 45 minutes.

My best friend sets the bowls on the small table and sits on the sofa, cross-legged, facing me.

"Are you alright?" As always, the idiot can tell this is a bad day, and although I hate that at some moments, right now I can't help but feel lucky to have him. I sit to face him cross-legged as well and sigh deeply.

"One of those days again." I say, not really wanting to go deeper in the subject.

"You can cry if you want to, it might be just what you need"

"Hey I am a manly man!" I say, laughing and he snorts at my stupidity. "I'm okay Adam; I just need to get through today. I'll feel better tomorrow."

"Dan the last time you said that you went into a 2 week episode. It worries me." He's right and I know he is, I hate that he always is.

"I said I'm okay." I snap slightly at him and hate myself as soon as I do. This is what I always do, I lash out as soon as someone even tries to go deeper. I know I need to get that sorted out but for some reason I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be taken seriously, or scared I'll be taken too seriously.

Adam is about to say something else when the doorbell rings. I jump up, doing my best to actually not look like a zombie. Phil doesn't need to see me like this.

I can do this. The annoying Katy Perry voice says in my brain. It's just one evening, with your friends, this is where you want to be, says the voice and for once i's right. There's no place I'd rather be than here, not having to be perfect or loud or intensely funny. Here, with my friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah have this crap chapter i'm sooooo sorry it's not longer and there aint that much Dan and Phil interaction buuuut at least i actually wrote something wow yeah i did something hahahahahahahahhahhaafvzuefviuze i have my A levels tomorrow bye forever
> 
> I hope this was ok, please comment my nuggets it'd make my day
> 
> Question of the day : Fave song of the moment?
> 
> Mine is Heathens by Twenty One Pilots, yes I've been listening to it nonstop 24/7, no I don't regret it.
> 
>  
> 
> Stay Victorious <3


	6. Rarity

Phil's POV

 

Frick frick frick frick... is the only word in my head. I mean I can hardly say the f word right?

“Where's my phone?!” I whine loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. Of course I would be late for the party and trip 10 times while preparing my stuff and lose my keys in the space of 2.5 seconds. 

Something like 10 hours later I finally find them in that weird hole in the sofa, where I also find my old phone I thought I'd lost, some dog biscuits and about 36 sweet wrappers. 

The mood of my Connected doesn't help, the darkness of their thoughts creeping up on my own. Uggggggh, I think, work with me here...

10 minutes later I'm struggling with my shoes and as I check the address again, I shout out :

“I'm going out!” And roll my eyes at the absence of answer. My grandmother is probably off knitting somewhere, although I fail to see how that impairs her hearing. 

In a matter of seconds I reach the bus stop and put some music on, observing everyone around me. It's become a habit at this point, everywhere I go I can't help but watch everyone, trying to decipher if maybe there's a chance they could be my Connected. By now it's just become something I do because I'm use to it, I don't actually believe I'll find them. An old lady on a bench in front of me smiles sweetly at me and I rule her out, in the mood my dearest connected is I doubt such an honest smile could come from them. A black guy with who I assume is his daughter wait patiently while she bounces on the balls of her feet and I cross them off the list instinctively. A guy looking at his phone suddenly looks up at me, green eyes and all and I quickly avert my eyes, trying to shake the habit out of me. I get on the bus as it arrives and stay standing up, trying my best to look at the floor. I never understood this Connected thing, one in a million people find their other half. And when they do, the whole thing is televised, on the news even since it's so rare. I suppose it gives the rest of us hope. In the end most of us end up being happy with someone else and somehow that's probably the best. 

The stories I've heard of people finding their Connected always go the same way, two people fall in love and somehow something clicks, they just know. It sounds magical everytime I hear the stories and I've heard them A LOT. 

I look up at the sign, noticing just in time that I'm on the right street and get out, nearly pushing over a lady and her stroller. I should not be allowed near anyone.

The mood of my Connected darkens somehow in the 5 minutes it takes me to find the building and enter it. It's like before the darkness was there but sort of lurking and now it's in full blown mode, darkening every corner of their mind. I hold back in the sob in my throat, this is really not the time. I don't want to have this in my mind the entire time I'm at this party, the entire time I'm with Dan. Come to think of it, I remember his mood this morning and frown suddenly. No, it's completely impossible, he couldn't be. 

I shake the absurd thought out of my head and knock at the correct door, plastering a smile on my face. Just as I'm about to knock again in my nervousness, the handle turns and the door opens, Dan standing behind. 

“Hey Phil!” He says cheerfully but somehow I hear the slight emptiness in his voice. Like he's all out of cheer. 

“Hey Danny.” I answer shooting him a smile as he rolls his eyes at the nickname. 

“You're not getting away with that I swear I'm gonna find a ridiculous name for you at some point” 

I laugh at the comment and walk inside as he gestures me towards another guy, the one Dan was with at the coffee shop. I walk over to him and smile widely, shaking his hand.

“I don't actually know your name! I'm Phil by the way.”

“Yeah I've heard about you” He says, laughing like it's a private joke “I'm Adam, Dan's babysitter.” 

I hear a faint “I'm not a baby!” coming from the kitchen and I laugh. I think I'm going to like Adam.

 

Dan's POV  
(yep sudden pov change I'm sORRY)

 

I've only been in the kitchen for about 30 seconds but I already feel like it's been 10 hours as I lean on the counter trying to get my breath even. Not going to well really. I hear Phil and Adam talking in the living room and the jealousy burns me up. I don't even know who I'm jealous of anymore, hell I don't know if it's jealousy at this point. Phil has everything, not this crippling social anxiety and stupid depression. The thought only makes me breathe faster and I can feel the panic rising. No.. no no no nononono... The word turns round and round in my head and I can feel the stupid panic attack coming. FUCK. My brains screams at me. Is this really the time?! 

“Dan are you okay? You've been in here a wh-” 

I turn to face the flawless man and just seeing him standing there make me want to sob. He's frowning deeply, as if my desperation is literally paining him. 

“Hey hey Dan, breath for me yeah?” 

At that moment I thank god for Phil Lester. The panic subsides and I look up at the ceiling, closing my eyes for a second. 

“I'm sorry, this happens sometimes, I'm fine now.” I say, staring at the white ceiling. 

I hear nothing for a while and just as I'm about to look back at Phil, sure I'll see him gone, I'm enveloped in the warmest and most comforting hug I've ever received. For a moment I can't even move I'm so surprised but as soon as I realize I'm being really weird, I hug him back. I can feel my heartbeat getting faster, his warmth making me smile.

It's silent for a second, me being slightly taller than him and him just rubbing my back with his hands. The knot in my throat tightens impossibly. Nope, not the time to cry. After a while, I detach myself from him and he smiles comfortingly at me.

“You ok?” he asks softly.

“I think so yeah.” I say, being half honest with him. “You give the best hugs. Can I have free passes for them?”

“Anytime” He says, laughing, his tongue sticking out slightly. “But we'll talk later, when we're both drunk and then you're going to tell me all about this” He says, pointing to me. 

“We'll see about that” I say, walking past him into the living room. As soon as I say it I know I'm kidding myself. I already know I'm gonna tell him absolutely everything. And I hate myself for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoyoyoyo wazzup i'm sorry im tired dont judge me. 
> 
> So have this lil bunch of words that i've now turned into a responsibility. Next chapter is the pARTAAAY (don't throw things at me) yay it's gonna be awesome and cute and fluffy before all the angst starts
> 
> Anyways, have this while I go cry forever after i finished my finals yes it's 4am no im not going to sleep yes i probably should and yes i make terrible life decisions. Glad we cleared that up. 
> 
> okbye
> 
> Stay Golden


	7. Anticipation

Dan's POV 

 

I feel slightly light-headed as I walk back into the kitchen to get everyone drinks. When I say everyone I mean four people. About 10 minutes after Phil arrived, me and Adam's friend Louise also came by, and right now the three of them were hitting it off. It felt funny for me being in there with people I'm so comfortable with, I hate parties, and that's why Adam made sure to invite only them, it always amazes me how well he knows me and my fear of crowds and just generally, people.

I'm used to being intimidated by self-confidence and closing in on myself around people like that, but somehow Phil is different, he knows how to make that disappear, he's humble enough and just pretty much angelic. Where I would usually go mute in these social situations, he manages to flip around and make me know how to be myself. I shut down the interrupting thoughts, irritated by my own lack of self control and concentrate on the part of my brain that isn't quite mine. My other half's emotions are all over the place, mainly I feel happiness radiating off of them, unsurprisingly, and anticipation for something I can't quite place. 

There have been times when the happiness they felt was so strong that my own dark thoughts were overwhelmed. The amount of times their own hope has filled my head with dreams and excitement is unbelievable. I stare at nothing for a moment, my brain relishing in their presence. I feel so strongly about them, like they're my best friend, they are happiness I never had, a life I long to live and a brain I wish I had. I concentrate all of my love for them, hoping somehow it'll reach them. All I want to do is find them, thank them, show them the happy part of me that they created. 

I shake myself out of it and head back to the living room, 3 beers in my hands. As expected, all of them are talking animatedly, Phil sitting on the floor facing Adam and Louise who are sitting on the couch, smiling and looking like they're having the best time. My anxiety stabs me in the back for a second, like some horrible person is standing next to me telling me my friends don't really need me. These thoughts gnaw at me, the awful voices relishing in the anxiety they give me. Ignoring the awful feeling, I walk to them and sit back down next to Phil who turns to me with a smile radiating comfort and gentleness. I hand everyone their drink and Adam and Louise start talking about some stuff I probably don't care about. Like sports or something.

Phil turns to me again and I take a mental deep breath, again telling every part of me to just be myself. 

"So how long are you staying here, Phil?"

"What, had enough of me already?" He answers, making me poke him and stick out my tongue at him very immaturely.

"I actually just found an apartment here, I used to own a library back in London but I don't know, the city kind of got to me. Probably all the drilling underneath my floor, or the weird constant beeps, I swear aliens are coming to abduct me and... probe me with stuff"

"Woah too far!" I interrupt and he starts laughing, the tip of his tongue poking out as he throws his head back. 

"Well anyway, I've been offered a little job here at a local library, hopefully it's no haunted."

"Are haunted libraries a thing?" I ask doubtfully.

"Hey you never know! The soul of Dumbledore might be lurking in a Harry Potter book!" 

"And what would Dumbledore even do? Scold you to death?" I reply sarcastically, relishing in the way his head falls back when he laughs.

I shake my head at him, but just as he opens his mouth to answer with something probably ridiculous, the door bell rings.

I sigh as I get up to get it, Phil turning back to join in Adam and Louise's conversation. When I open it, I smile tentatively at our last guest, Colin, whom I don't really know very well. He and Louise are friends, but I never really got to hang out with him because much as he, like me, likes to spend most of his time at home. You'd think thanks to that we'd be friends but whenever I tried to speak to him, he just came off as cold and slightly unnerving. I get that depression and isolation can be difficult to overcome in social situations, but honestly I've never found the need to be a dick about it with anyone. I might be miserable, but I don't try to make everyone around me feel the same way.

Colin is pretty tall and is one year older than me, his face is pretty gentle, but contrasts with his cold eyes. His round face makes him look like a hamster, and my gay mind has to admit, the guy isn't ugly. His coldness however, made any form or attraction towards him disappear rapidly. He smiles at me, although I feel like he's going to start laughing like an evil doctor and steps in the room, greeting me on the way. 

I follow him back and to my despair he sits at the spot I was in. Somehow though, as I sit on Adam's side, I still have Phil's undivided attention, as he looks expectantly at me, and it makes a thrill shoot through my body when I realize I'm the one he wants to talk to. It's not long before Colin steals him away from me though, and Phil's gaze is fully on him now, making me sigh inside and turn to Louise who I've just realized has been calling my name for about 10 minutes.

I snap my head back towards her, unintentionally glaring at her for interrupting my staring session. I quickly compose myself though and finally ask what she wants of me.

"Sorry for interrupting your little heart eye moment" Louise says, a twinkle in her eyes which I have no idea what's the meaning of. "but I was just asking Adam if we should get pizza. You in?"

"How is that even a question?" I say, sticking out my tongue at her for the comment about the heart eyes.

"Your face is weird" She remarks, looking not even a bit sarcastic, making Adam snort next to her.

"Rude." I answer and go to grab my phone.

I look over at Adam and one of many silent conversation begins. I nudge my head towards the rest of the group, hearing Phil laugh, making my stomach drop a bit. How dare he be happy talking to someone else. Adam gets the hint, knowing full well how uncomfortable it would make me to ask the rest of them about the pizza.

As Adam interrogates the others on the choice of pizza, I reach out to the back of my mind and to my surprise the mood of my Connected has dropped a little. Not enough that they would actually be unhappy, but enough for me to notice; making me wonder what had changed in that little time. The happiness is still there, but the anticipation and excitement is missing. What happened in the last 5 minutes to make their mood drop even a little bit?

 

*Phil's POV* 

 

When Dan absents himself to get more drinks, I start to drift off into the mind of my Connected, exploring and trying to understand every little emotion coming off them. Surprisingly enough, the main sentiment I feel from them is a bubbly sort of happiness, the kind that comes in rushes, and I find myself smiling for them, and for me at the same time. My own excitement and anticipation from the night and from well, Dan himself, ripples off me like waves. 

I'm just about to turn to Louise and Adam to join in their conversation when I feel a sudden wave of strong love coming from the part of my mind that isn't mine. It makes my mind go crazy, the feeling so new, so raw and hopeful. I tilt my head back, wanting it to stay forever, but after a bit the feeling fades and I can't help but to frown in disappointment and confusion, wondering why the hell someone would feel that much love for someone in such a short time. Unless... It was intended. Unless for some reason my Connected was trying to send that love to me. 

The thought makes me smile really wide, and I instantly close it off, realizing how crazy I must look right now just smiling to myself one of the most genuine smiles I'd ever had. 

When Dan comes back and sits next to me again, I see the soft quirk of his lips and the thought enters my mind again, like some sort of parasite. Maybe he's your Connected. I had nothing to justify this, nothing to get myself to believe it yet somehow a part of me was still whispering that sentence to me. Or maybe I just wanted to believe it. Anything to make me be ok with getting close to him. 

After our little conversation about the ghost of Dumbledore, Dan lifts himself to open the door. When he comes back though, he's not walking in front and a guy I've never seen before with light brown hair, almost blond, walks in, followed by Dan. The guy scans the room, offering a shy hello to me, Adam and Louise and to my disappointment comes to sit next to me. 

I don't want to sound unfriendly or anything but honestly I'd rather have Dan sitting there, even when I don't know this guy. As he introduces himself to me as Colin, I don't miss how Dan's face falls, and I smile slightly when I realize he's just as disappointed with the seating arrangements. 

I turn to him as he sits down with an expectant look, as if to communicate to him that it's him that I want to talk to. Colin starts talking just then and I have no choice but to turn back to him. I may be starting to get slightly obsessed with Dan but that doesn't mean I have to be a dick and just ignore other people. 

As all five of us settle into comfortable conversation, I notice the drastic change in my Connected's mood, kind of reflecting mine after having stopped talking to Dan. As I try to focus on Colin's word I realize in his eyes there's that kind of unhappiness I would have expected to come from my Connected. And no matter how much I tell myself that I'm just making excuses for myself to try and find them no matter what, the bigger and less reasonable part of my brain always wants to latch on to that one little hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI BITCHES frick frack paddy wack and watermelons, ok i feel like i just had a stroke but YO check this shit out that i just made with my own two hands, are ya proud yo?? Ok YES i'm outta practice but gimme a few like centuries to get a grip on how you do this writing thing again. Ok so YO, wait yes ok that is the third yo of this paragraph, don't judge me i'm re watching breaking bad and the slang is getting to me. Gatorade me bITCH
> 
> Ok sorry so *cough* let'sbeseriousforasecond so what did you think of this mess of a chapter, yep I am fully aware that it took FOREVER To get it out but like it was worth it? Maybe?
> 
> Pleaaase tell me what you thought in the comments and shit, I'm in desperate need of motivation as you can see 
> 
> Okay bye bitches i'll see y'all in hell 
> 
>  
> 
> Stay Golden <3

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a chapter to kind of introduce you to the story and the world it take place in I hope you like it if you did leave a COMMENT ^-^ So yeah I hope it's clear enough but anyways it'll get clearer as the story goes on! Also this won't contain any smut sorryyyy. Updates will be either Saturday evenings or Sunday evenings I’ll see you then love you all :*


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